Done

Well, I'm pretty sure I have an audience of one for this blog - loverby, my faithful cheerleader. I promised myself I would write every day for a year. The year is almost over. Blogging has been so healing, letting me process, grieve, remember, tell, laugh, ruminate - saying it all out loud then writing my thoughts down. Forgiving, loving, feeling affection for the memories.......

I deactivated facebook last night. It started feeling senseless and meaningless.

Everything has a season and a time. So does this blog. It was good and I'm all done typing my heart out into empty cyberspace. It was balm for the growing pains, however..........

I love you Craig, thanks for all your encouragement during this journey.

iwant

iwant........

*my husband to feel like the man i most respect,

*our girls to feel delighted in and enjoyed,

*to make a difference in the lives of others,

*our girls to feel known and understood,

*others to feel generosity and kindness from me,

*our girls to know we are proud of them,

*to make time to be productively creative,

*to plant our yard with more edible fruits and berries,

*to make sure to spend money on experiences instead of things,

*to not accumulate stuff, to live simply, inviting, unpretentiously,

*to either speak well of people or be silent,

*to pray and intercede for people I love more,

*to to dwell on the things that are lovely, pure, righteous and holy more,

*to be a giver,

*to love and be loved,

*to listen more,

*to stop making assumptions and quick judgements,

*to always adjust what i believe to what is true,

*to try and understand, to have more compassion,

*to be tenderhearted, responsive,

*what God, my husband, my children think of me, be the only opinion that matters.

*to never take their love for granted,

*to be the most grateful and thankful woman,

*to live out loud, be contagious,

*to see others as our Creator sees them,

*to keep a sense of wonder and awe until I die,

*to live like i believe that this isn't all there is and like everything is sifted through His hands and that i know the best is yet to come.

Ashes At Rest

Dad died early last spring. He wanted his ashes buried up on Basin Butte. Four of us siblings with spouses and mom did as he requested yesterday. Above Stanley, which is above Sun Valley....the Sawtooth Mtns are pristine, the meadows lush, the rivers clear and the view astounding; spontaneous worship bursts out with deep thankfulness. The air is so pure, you feel light. I don't know what the elevation is, but it is high where the camp sight was. We drove up this track with the 4x4 rhino's to the very very top of the mountain. Ten miles straight up.

A hole was dug, two empty bottles of Jack Daniel's were symbolically filled with some of his ashes. Joe had a twelve year old bottle of 'special reserve' Crown Royal. We each had a shot over ice and chug -a- lugged it with a 'here, here'. I've not experienced much alcohol, as I don't like it much. Joe assured me it was smooth........it burned and warmed me to my tummy. I felt like my breath was girl dragon breath and could light a fire! Hhhhhhhhhaaaaaagh! Won't be indulging any time soon........

The view from the top of the mountain was stunning in every direction. Dad was the quintessential mountain man. He defined it and completely looked the picture. He would have been a pioneer scout in earlier days. He picked this spot because it represented the center of his personal stomping grounds around Stanley Basin. He intimately knew each mountain's name, the valleys, the rivers, the lakes, the roads, the animals and trees. He was happiest spending summers alone cutting lodge poles, cozy in his own wilderness camp. He had friends along the road at Smiley Creek, Beaver Creek.....long term friends who looked forward to seeing him each summer.

The guys all tried to outdo each other splitting wood rounds into quarters around the campfire last night, in memory of dad. Not one of them could do it with the grace, speed, accuracy and finesse of dad.

I wish he could have had familial relationships with us that mirrored his physical prowess.

I wish he could have shown me the love, care and attention he bestowed on his tools and summer friends.

I wish he would have delighted in our life, like he delighted in being out in nature.

I wish he knew me like he knew the woods.

I wish he had craved seeing and being with me, talking with me, like he did strangers.

Thank you dad, for the early days with happy memories, for life. I adore being outside because of you.

I wonder if you ever wished I had known you better, been more curious, craved being with you more? I love you anyways....... I hope you're enjoying the view.

Seeing Red

We need to get a new light bulb for our bedroom. A red one. The old one burned out. We keep forgetting to grab one at the store. I miss it so much....miss the ambiance it creates and the way it casts us in a good light, literally!

There was a reason for the red light district being red ~ the red lantern being red.

Whenever a bride gets married, I love to give her a red light bulb with an explanation, encouraging them to use it. As the years go by, I'm glad we have always had a lock on our bedroom door and a red light over or beside the bed.

Candle light works too, but a soft red light in your 'boudoir' makes anyone beautiful. Facial hair, wrinkles, cellulite, puffy eyes, lily white parts, saggy stuff ~ all look amazingly appetizing under the transformational influence of a red light. You can't feel shy or self conscious wrapped in it's soft red glow. And the other person seems ethereal. It creates this illusion, making both of you feel like you've been painted by one of the great masters!

I'm sure there will be a run on red light bulbs now that you know. Send money if you like it.

Lagniappe Lunch

Bree is putting apartment living behind her forever! Her dad, a muscled friend and me helped her load 3 pickups and one trailer. The stairs were killers on my knee; knees can get dizzy and fluttery, did you know? She was easy to help; everything was boxed, neatly piled, organized and taped shut. The books weren't in heavy boxes - YES!

Any time I have gone to visit her upstairs unit, walking by her neighbors on the opposite side has been torture. The fragrant cooking going on inside makes your mouth water. Today, the master of the house came home for lunch. A young, handsome, immaculately dressed man from India. As he was leaving, we passed on the stairs. I smiled and mentioned how enticing the food smelled whenever I was visiting my friend, his neighbor. He asked if I wanted to taste it, inviting me spontaneously into his house and introducing me to his lovely, petite, shy wife. She artistically made me a plate with the leftovers, explaining what each was called. I felt helpless at the thought that I was eating her lunch! They apologized for not having any furniture. There was hardly anything inside but the bare necessities. The kitchen was beyond minimalist. I asked if he liked to garden and use his own fresh produce and his face lit up like a candle was inside. He said that when they had saved enough money, they were going to return and buy the little farm of their dreams back home in India and grow and sell their own crops.

They shared their home - #306, their food, their dreams. It was so good to be invited inside! I felt honored and blessed indeed. One of those precious lagniappe moments.......to treasure forever! :)

And I was hungry, they fed me.....which gave me strength for those grueling stairs!

Favorite Music....

Charlie Peacock, Emmylou and Mark Knoefler, U2, Lost Dogs, Kasey Chambers, Buddy and Julie Miller, Jason Mraz, Kutless, The Kry, Bryan Adams, Sarah Groves, India Arie, Paul Colman, Dana Glover, The Choir, Jackson Browne, Andrea Bocelli, The Elms, Amos Lee, Billy Joel.

These people make my ipod rock and vibrate. When they come on with the setting on shuffle, it's like an old familiar friend coming to visit. Music hugs your heart and caresses your soul, kisses your spirit and enfolds your mind.