49 and Holding

Birthdays when you're 49 aren't the same as they were when you were 4 or 9.  I always shared mine with my Grandma Carrico.  Woops-happy birthday Grandma!  I am so terrible at remembering birthdays.  Dates are numbers and numbers don't speak a language I understand. If you've been my friend for very long, you probably get cards from me once in a while, but hardly ever on your birthday.  

But, I am glad you were born.  You are special, loved and valuable!  I do miss you and you are my favorite if you're the one I'm with at the moment!  

I felt really alone and lonely today for my birthday.  Craig and Brita were gone, Tessa worked.  It was just me and Maggie.  I almost asked a few strangers in the pool to go with me for a coffee afterwards, but was too shy and it felt weird.  Usually, solitude is a treasure, but not today.  That feeling of  being celebrated, just for a day ~  wow, it surprised me how much I wanted it.  It's embarrassingly juvenile and needy.  And real.....

There are so many people who must feel this feeling often, as in frequently.  Achy breaky hearts!  How to turn my need and desire outward, towards others?  Learn compassion? Understand enough to take action... 

Craig came in on a 7:30 PM flight, so I went to Border's  early, got a coffee along with a warm raisin oatmeal cookie.  Sat with a huge pile of artsy/creative/gardening magazines devouring the pages of amazing ideas.  It got some artistical juices of my own flowing again, distracted me and the last one, on the last page had a poem that was just perfect......and filled me all the way to the brim.  

I survived this day.   Oh, and Jenny called and made her class sing me Happy Birthday.....now the candle ~ poof!