Tessa Past and Present

Many people have asked what is Tessa's story. We didn't really know she had one until recently when the patterns started repeating and the symptoms got more intense.

This last time we all believe her safety was in other hands, supernatural ones. She was not functioning normally.  Her drive from the Boise airport to her place was a miracle. The first 5 days she was gravely ill. It was terrifying to watch a limp, lethargic daughter laying there for days.

This is a brief medical history as we remember it:

Chief Complaint: Progressively increasing intensity of debilitating symptoms associated with flying as demonstrated by the following history.  (related from most current to present) These symptoms have not appeared during a flight. They usually start the day after a flight and linger.   January, 2011 Flight: Boise to Seattle Utilized pressure equalization with no ear pain. Post flight day 2:  fatigue, eye pressure, minimal nausea Day 3:  Space Needle Trip (650 ft in 43 seconds, 10 MPH).  Symptoms following were extreme fatigue, slow gait, no appetite, lightheadedness, blurry vision, pressure in eyes, inability to focus, disorientation, gait disturbance by that evening.  She asked if her eyes were bleeding? Eyes kept rolling around in a strange way. Day 4:  Woke up gagging, diarrhea, vomiting (dry heaves), felt disoriented. Flight scheduled that night to return to Boise.  Flight: Seattle to Boise 1/19/11 Inability to focus to find car/follow signs to exit.  Eye pain, Heart pain, and difficulty breathing.  Extremely blurry vision, felt like she was in a tunnel.  By the time she made it to the home of relatives, her skin was white and she was disoriented, pupils dilated, shaking uncontrollably. 1/20/11:  Following day:  extremely lethargic, slowed speech, difficulty responding to questions.  Aware of her surroundings but inability to respond.  Emotional lability, crying hysterically.  (This is contrary to her natural character).  Progressively non responsive.  Inability to eat or drink. Admitted to ER.  Treatment:  monitored her vitals, IV for hydration, anti-inflammatory meds and benedryl. Migraine RX recommended which we did not fill. - Hide quoted text - Treatment administered: Tylenol PM : 2 capsules on 1/20 Gaba  4 times/day, Adrenal support: 2 capsules 2x/day. Vit. C: 1000mg. TID Calcium/Magnesium Hydrated with water as able.  Response:  different pattern of healing this time:  This time her mind is clearing but bodily symptoms are slower. 1/23/11:  Still slow and sluggish motor coordination, decreased ability to coordinate vision, disconnect from her body. Update today, January 31. She went to work for 4 hours. Able to drive. She is connecting and coordinating better. Her tongue feels tight and clumsy when she tries to talk. Since she started to talk again, it has gotten more noticeable. Her left eye has continued to be scratchy, irritated, bruised, achy with pressure behind it.  Fall, 2008  Seattle to Hawaii Nausea, blurred vision, eye pressure, lightheadedness, disorientation, slow motor movement and speech.  Slow recovery upon return to home but kept working. Summer, 2007  Seattle to Mississippi No notable symptoms following this flight. Summer, 2007  Seattle to Austria (3 month stay) Day 2 post flight:  sick, lightheadedness, disorientation, blurred vision, inability to visually or mentally focus, body/brain disconnect, fatigue, needed to lie still and stay in quiet environment.  Saw a german MD but translation issues were difficult. Given antibiotics thinking it was an inner ear infection. Required 3 weeks to get back to normal. Flight home from Austria:  Similar symptoms occurred as described above.  Saw primary MD who suggested anti depressants.  Saw a psychologist for 6 weeks who determined it was not a mental health issue. Anti depressants meds were declined. Went to see a vision specialist:  negative results Short MRI performed:  Negative relults ENT:  Negative.  “He felt is was due to an over active imagination, too much salt?  and panic attacks. 2006, Seattle to Israel (2 week trip) Symptoms following:  extreme fatigue, nausea and vomiting, inability to participate in tour requiring bedrest. Lightheadedness, slowed movement and speech. Eye pain and blurred vision, confusion.  Tried Dramamine: seemed to accentuate her symptoms. 2005  Seattle to Austria (3 month stay) No significant symptoms noted other than fatigue. 2004 Seattle to Israel Symptoms:  Sick the 2nd day after arrival with lightheadedness, disorientation, lethargy and fatigue. 2003, age 14 Seattle to North Dakota Symptoms:  sick following flight with fatigue, ear pain and inability to depressurize ears.  Other PMH:  fractured clavicle at age 12 She isn't motion sick. She doesn't have vertigo. We have followed trails for possible altitude sickness/decompression sickness, or aerotoxic syndrome. Both were negative.  Tomorrow she has an appointment with an opthamologist - not to see if she needs new glasses.......   I'm staying with her this week until she is completely stable or we know something more. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers, please. :)

Linked

Family and friends ~ 

an eternal chain 

linked ~ 

forged together

 by 

history

memories

time

heartache

play

children

marriage

tragedy

laughter 

and tears.

Rusty spots need 

oiled with affection,

resurfaced with gladness,

sanded with gratefulness.

This strength

weighs heavy ~

a heaping pile 

of glory

able to tug

us 

upstream

 against

the 

current. 

Home Country

The clerk at St Vincent de Paul's asked a birdlike old man to help me carry out the second hand end tables I found for Tessa's first apartment. He wheezed heavily. His pink nose and cheeks became scarlet from the effort and weight of his burden. I felt terrible they had him help me. I was perfectly capable of making two trips to the car.

He fussed about getting them to fit, then closed the door with a flourish. Taking his gloves off he peered up at me with a twinkle in his eyes. With much brevity, he asked me if I was a sugar gal or a sugarless gal. Laughing, I told him my mama always taught me never to take candy from strangers. He cackled as he unzipped his ancient fanny pack. It was stuffed with varied brands of single wrapped butterscotch candy. Possibly collected from gratuity bowls by cash registers?

He gallantly offered me three from the sugar gal side. The moment required a grave bow but I gave him a warm hug - one that lifted him clean off the ground. He wheezed rapturously.

Too bad it was so cold out. Our bundled condition kept me from seeing his feet. I'm sure they were hairy -  a misplaced hobbit sent to cross my path - freshening my weary day.


After fifty it is permissible to take candy from strangers. Do. 

Winter

The last month has been different. I've was holed up in the craft room creating - most of December. There are times when deliberate isolation and solitude are needed. Creating gets my feathers smooth again, lubes the gears, and fills me up. Quickens and quiets me.

We spent Christmas with my family of origin in Southern Idaho for the first time in years. It was a good day, simple and uneventful. Everyone left for home on a good note. All of us siblings were together.

Craig and Brita drove home to Washington without me. I stayed to help Tessa get settled into her new life and apartment. It is a miniature home in a brick fourplex. We had fun furnishing it with essentials.

I washed and changed sheets downstairs. It is ready for company again. Mom has a never ending round of overnight guests. I moved upstairs with her . We are snuggling in her king sized bed in the master bedroom.

Yes, I'm fifty and love sleeping with my mom. She smells like warm toast and has the silkiest skin. We wake up and hold hands while watching the sunrise over the canyon walls. Mist from the warm water ponds puff up into the cold air, making each morning a new mystery.

I fly back home Saturday where I will pick up my real life. It has been strange being offline for so long. I feel rested and full. Mom has nurtured and nourished me and my family. I am thankful.

I have my yearly bronchitis attack going on. She heats towels in the warmer at night to put on my chest and back smothered in Vicks. She heats the tea kettle for a dunk under the steam tent we make in the sink. I don't think any of us lose our need to be mothered and fathered. Lord, be with the orphaned ones.

I've been holding history in my hands this week - old journals, old music, pictures, letters, tools, recipes, records, and stories. I am storing every detail in my mind.

"We have this moment to hold in our hands......."

I have missed you all! The Twitterers, The Facebookers, The Google Readers, The Bloggers, The Beloved Friends and encouragers. I hope 2011 will be full of love, kindness, generousity, adventure, risk, comfort, making memories, new friends, and art of every kind and medium. Let the music play and let color dance all around us.

Smooch.

Legalism Defined

Maggie and I took a walk around the airport trail this morning. Around our public spaces, people are concerned about doing the right thing when their dog poops. Carrying a bag to pick it up is essential to good citizenship.

Beside the trail this morning was a small black poop bag with a knot tied in the top. The owner had followed the letter of the law but completely missed the point. In his case it would have been better to creatively disobey the rules. Using a stick to sweep the offensive mess into the bushes to decompose within a short time would have been better than the plastic bag left on the trail. It will still be there in a hundred years if nobody picks it up. But he followed the rules and thinks he did good.

Legalism always stinks and doesn't seem to ever go away. It trades packaging, that's all. Don't be fooled - it really is what you think it is. Shipoopi......

Bundled

No visions of sugar plums danced in his tiny head resting on remnants of hay stubble left over from night feeding. No 
candles welcomed in the windows ~ for stables don't have any. His mother most likely wrapped him with her head covering, leaving her all exposed. Sweat drenched. Unprepared, what did she use for after birth bleeding? Diapers for him? Did he latch on quickly and have a swollen milk blister on his upper lip afterwards? Where did Joseph find nourishment for her? Did he borrow the animal's drinking water to clean up the mess? Did she tear?  Without women to care for her, Joseph had to take the culturally unfamiliar role of midwife and doula for a wife with whom he hadn't been physically intimate with yet. His rough carpenter hands baby catching? The crown of thorns was waiting in the wings instead of a Nutcracker.  Maybe the tree was growing even then to be hewn into a cross as he cooed. The blacksmith who hammered the spikes into shape might have been a baby at the same time. A weaver's young apprentice  honed his skill making robes without seams. One this baby would someday wear ~ making men cast lots to own it ~ when they assumed he wouldn't need it anymore. He was laid in a stone manger swaddled with cloth at birth. He was laid on a borrowed limestone burial shelf after his death, wrapped in cloth once again, ministered to by women winding their love around him. Women who watched their love left in a heap, for he didn't stay a baby, nor did he stay dead. Instead he stayed God, wrapping us up ~ folding us into ~ a bundle of love, forever and ever. Amen. 

(Please don't judge this sketch harshly. I've been picking up a pencil for the first time in thirty five years. I never had lessons and wish I could express what I see in my head better. Until then, I will practice the uncomfortable, rough way. I have such a heart for Joseph. He is probably the most overlooked hero scripture mentions. I imagine his hands, so rough and tender. To me, his faith was the greatest of any. I imagined the pageantry of our present day Christmas and the lack thereof on that morning.)

This is for a prompt from L.L. Barkat: "This holiday season, we invite you to take the big things of Christmas - family, grief, Christ, celebration, laughter - and share them with us through something small." Join us by sharing your link here. 

What Divine Romance Looks Like

Dead Drunk Garden

Broken garden beds 

covered with lifeless husks 

lay brown down.

Their skeletal remains

used to be color spots,

pigmented petals 

wooing friends 

gathering nectar.

How do roots endure

soggy cold waiting? 

They huddle together 

thankful they aren't

 homeless or alone. 

Wrapping 

their feet around each other

in the dark

they swallow great drunken 

gulps of the rain maker's 

honey mead 

waiting to burst out 

laughing again

when the sun's love

tickles them 

awake.

Sucking on Succor

Succor means: to aid, assist, help, offer comfort, encouragement.

This last week, I was in the sludge of discouragement. I took the week off from the world wide web and connected with comfortable behaviors and uncomfortable ones. I didn't have the inclination or energy for too much eyeball to eyeball or skin to skin engagement. For introverts it can be exhausting at such times.

Many hours were spent reading. This activity included a dog curled up on the blanket corner at my feet and a hot mug of tea. It was restorative and inspirational reading. Contemplative. Nourishing. Quiet.

I dug out some dormant art supplies which haven't been used in years. Sitting down facing a blank white page paralyzed me for a while. I finally gave myself permission to be a kid and simply put color on the white paper. It didn't turn out very good. The next one not much better. The third? Pretty much the same. Each was whimsical and colorful, though. They will stay private or be gracefully laid in the garbage. The thing was - I needed to be creative in new ways. Make myself uncomfortable. The finished products weren't good, but they bushwhacked the brush, clearing some plugged trails. The exercise wasn't wasted or futile. Some times creative juices need some sort of laxative to start the flow again........creative constipation happens. Taking action is imperative for me to get unplugged. The momentum carries over into other areas.

Because I was so discouraged, I thought - maybe I'm not the only one. I determined to send personal, hand written encouragement to everyone on my address list who loves words and writes. To give what I needed most. Writers need to know that words do matter in our world. It is a lonely, solitary call. Most the time, the lack of feedback is crushing. We don't know if the void has ears, or if there is a soulish connection being made. As I put that batch of envelopes in the mail, I felt presumptuous and foolish. I have people on my mailing list who surely don't want or need my simple offering? They are VIP's! I heard a mocking cackle of derision gurgling up through the slimy pit below me.

One of the most profound books I've read is The Gift by Lewis Hyde. A gift has to move. In a circle. It has to be passed on. Today I was at the end of the receiving line and got all the abundant excess somehow. Could it be because I offered the little I had to another?  I don't know. Truly I don't.

This day has been so full of gifts being rained down on me. A blizzard of emotional goodness swirling me in loving eddies of affection and encouragement. I feel like I'm sucking on a succor cube of sweetness.

It came on a day that I thought I was going down gasping one last time - like Stevie Smith said, "Not waving but drowning."

Be strong and of good courage my friend. You are beloved. You are not alone.

Brides

Two girlfriends are recently engaged to be married. Both are suddenly being loved by real men who are mature, grounded, and generous. Neither one has experienced anything similar in previous relationships.

This thing they are experiencing doesn't resemble the Hollywood model of lust, infatuation, or obsession.

For both of them it is a mature, long friendship that time and circumstances turned into romance, then wrapped in intimacy. Heart, mind, body, and soul. It was lagniappe on both accounts. Unexpected.

Both are older gals. They have known trouble and despair. Each in her own way has felt hopeless of ever knowing a future including a loving companion.

If you could see their faces. They shine. The room brightens when they walked in. They both look ten years younger. These women were pursued by men who took the initiative in wooing. The grooms wait impatiently to make them beloved brides. The wedding plans are unfolding with delight and joy.

It will be special to be a guest at their weddings.

Wait a minute! We are The Bride. Shouldn't our faces shine, too?