Pursuing the poetical, paradoxical, metaphorical, lyrical, artistical, majestical, and mystical.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Post Script to Love

My previous post was a plea. As I was mulling over why I felt so strongly about it, Tess shared a recent Hulu video (the last segment) about one of my favorite public figures, Chef Jamie Oliver. My response to it, after today's plea for Laura over the internet was a total breakdown. Fountain of tears and sorrow. Grief revisited. Loss remembered. Rejection and abandonment felt all over again. Remembering how it feels to be grossly misunderstood.

Here's the deal. It makes me furious when assumptions are made about a person's intent. I despise myself for doing it to others. Like Teddy said, "it's not the critic that counts, it's the man in the ring". It is crazy for us to think the small circle panned in the camera is the whole story. We think we are so informed, intuitive, perceptive and yet quite often, we are dead wrong!

The Today Show did their interview with Laura for ten minutes outside the prison in Haiti. It tied her with the Jorge guy who offered to help her and the family, then disappeared with $30,000 - a crook wanted by many countries for real child trafficking - my heart sunk. What if by chance she IS tangled with him? What if I'm laying my neck and reputation on the line.....along with those friends' who I've asked to help? What if we are being played as fools? What if we end up embarrassed?

These are hard questions. There was only one answer for me. I'd rather err on the side of grace, believe she's telling the truth and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather look ridiculous than lose my integrity if she is innocent. I can live with myself if I'm sheepish and look ridiculous later. Never could I live with myself if I walked away and forgot her agony, without at least trying to vindicate her. So I stand with her.

I think it was easy to decide, because I would have given anything two years ago for friends to stand up for me. Someone other than my husband who would assume the best, advocate for me, fight for me, believe in me and discipline the bully on my behalf. No one did. No accountability happened. Most of my friends faded away, not wanting to get involved. The pain has been excruciating. Trust broken. Betrayal.

The accusations leveled at me, opinions assumed, and criticisms hurled - almost shut me down completely. I felt so alone, misunderstood, disheartened and crazy. I question what is real. It has been a challenge to recover. To trust. Each day gets a little better and the loneliness has fueled some beauty. Healing does happen eventually. There have been exquisite moments of joy in between.

But I don't want someone else to feel this way. Ever. It's as simple as that. On her behalf, I rally a cry. Being embarrassed won't hurt me; but being left alone, without loyal friends could break her heart and leave it scarred, ruined for the game of life for always. Being deserted in a time of dire need sucks rotten eggs.

11 comments:

Glynn said...

You're being faithful here, Kathleen, and God will honor that. We're praying.

Kandi said...

Kathleen, thanks for erring on the side of grace....it blesses my heart!

Maureen said...

As Glynn says, your position is about faithfulness. Only He may be in judgment. It is never wrong to pray, to hope, to assume grace.

Lyla Lindquist said...

Had to go get the book so I can quote it right. Here's what Bonhoeffer had to say about mercy:

"If any man falls into disgrace, the merciful will sacrifice their own honour to shield him, and take his shame upon themselves. They will be found . . . careless of the shame they incur thereby. In order that they may be merciful they cast away the most priceless treasure of human life, their personal dignity and honour. For the only honour and dignity they know is their Lord's own mercy, to which alone they owe their very lives."

Seems to me that if we stop short of risking our own dignity and credibility, then what we extend doesn't quite make it all the way to grace and mercy. Folks may never know what really happened over there. But mercy and grace don't depend on that. Jesus knew our hearts, the black therein, and chose us in His mercy anyway. It's kind of the point of grace, isn't it?

Still praying. Thanks for saying more.

em said...

"To question what is real" is such a scary place. So thankful we have the truth of Christ to fill us up...and to LIFT us up! (I'm picturing a hot air balloon now...) ;)
Lyla - I love the quote you posted!! :)

Laura said...

That is a good quote from Bonhoeffer that lyla gives.

Did you know that Huntington, WV is just 20 miles from me? I attended graduate school there, lived there for a couple years. When Jaimie was here we were star struck. What a guy. He really tried. and with great compassion, might I add.

Grace is always the right choice.

S. Etole said...

thank you for being faithful ...

Anonymous said...

I'd also much rather ere on the side of grace although I don't always do that. I'm praying...love to you all! ss

Joyce Wycoff said...

Kathleen ... I've known for some time that I am in an incredible sisterhood of bloggers but this post has completely humbled me and makes me so grateful to be part of your circle. You are amazing and I am honored to know Laura's story and will keep her in my blessings. Sometimes our best intentions go astray but she followed her heart and took heroic action. It makes me want to stand up and do more.

togetherforgood said...

You're a hero. And your faithful extending of grace is a pure picture of the love of Christ.

火吟 said...

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