My previous post was a plea. As I was mulling over why I felt so strongly about it, Tess shared a recent Hulu video (the last segment) about one of my favorite public figures, Chef Jamie Oliver. My response to it, after today's plea for Laura over the internet was a total breakdown. Fountain of tears and sorrow. Grief revisited. Loss remembered. Rejection and abandonment felt all over again. Remembering how it feels to be grossly misunderstood.
Here's the deal. It makes me furious when assumptions are made about a person's intent. I despise myself for doing it to others. Like Teddy said, "it's not the critic that counts, it's the man in the ring". It is crazy for us to think the small circle panned in the camera is the whole story. We think we are so informed, intuitive, perceptive and yet quite often, we are dead wrong!
The Today Show did their interview with Laura for ten minutes outside the prison in Haiti. It tied her with the Jorge guy who offered to help her and the family, then disappeared with $30,000 - a crook wanted by many countries for real child trafficking - my heart sunk. What if by chance she IS tangled with him? What if I'm laying my neck and reputation on the line.....along with those friends' who I've asked to help? What if we are being played as fools? What if we end up embarrassed?
These are hard questions. There was only one answer for me. I'd rather err on the side of grace, believe she's telling the truth and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather look ridiculous than lose my integrity if she is innocent. I can live with myself if I'm sheepish and look ridiculous later. Never could I live with myself if I walked away and forgot her agony, without at least trying to vindicate her. So I stand with her.
I think it was easy to decide, because I would have given anything two years ago for friends to stand up for me. Someone other than my husband who would assume the best, advocate for me, fight for me, believe in me and discipline the bully on my behalf. No one did. No accountability happened. Most of my friends faded away, not wanting to get involved. The pain has been excruciating. Trust broken. Betrayal.
The accusations leveled at me, opinions assumed, and criticisms hurled - almost shut me down completely. I felt so alone, misunderstood, disheartened and crazy. I question what is real. It has been a challenge to recover. To trust. Each day gets a little better and the loneliness has fueled some beauty. Healing does happen eventually. There have been exquisite moments of joy in between.
But I don't want someone else to feel this way. Ever. It's as simple as that. On her behalf, I rally a cry. Being embarrassed won't hurt me; but being left alone, without loyal friends could break her heart and leave it scarred, ruined for the game of life for always. Being deserted in a time of dire need sucks rotten eggs.