Pursuing the poetical, paradoxical, metaphorical, lyrical, artistical, majestical, and mystical.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Woops

I've been posting about last week and the emotional upheaval of the auction and selling of Craig's family's homestead. During the aftermath, discovering that an old habit/addiction which I haven't indulged in for quite some time, still has it's hold on me was a bit disconcerting! It seemed like it was gone, so having it spring up unexpectedly was surprising.

On the way home, driving away, I immediately wanted to chew, get comfort from salt, sugar- carbs. I had an ouchie in my heart, a boo-boo in my soul that needed balm and a band-aid; food was my pacifier, my drug of choice. Every time we stopped, I bought something to munch on. Many some things. Every stop! This wasn't carrot sticks, nuts, apples or boiled eggs, either! It is too disgusting to reveal what those bags were full of.

It wasn't until night when we checked into our favorite hotel, The C' mon Inn in Bozeman, that I could process what was going on. I was a little shocked at how easy it was to fall back into the old grooves of mindlessness, instead of exploring what was laying underneath it all. Mostly, my poor body felt sick and my heart still empty. As I cuddled with Craig and we talked about how we both deal with 'inside' things, it hit me that I had forgotten what I knew. Completely forgot to go to the one I usually ask for help, the one who can heal, fill, comfort and stop the internal bleeding. I didn't access the power available to me and tried futilely and mindlessly to fill myself. Help myself. Cure myself. Comfort myself. Didn't dial daddy dear up, even though he was waiting and waiting for the phone to ring!

Slapping my forehead, I felt like the guy in the commercial from years ago. "Ugh, I could have had a V-8."

We walked over to Outback and ordered the simple special - steak, salad and potato. It was so satisfying. But, my heart, mind and soul had been doctored and bandaged by then.

It's how I learn. Woops is my favorite word most the time..............

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