Sunday, November 22, 2009


Carolyn See is entertaining me while I learn. She is raw, funny and so real. In "Making a Literary Life", she has a short paragraph that startled me with the truth:

"My goodness me; what about love? I say fun first, and this is why: My dad left my mom. My first two husbands and I had many maudlin arguments over the question of who loved whom when. I've thought long and hard about this question. My father had the golden knack of making fun wherever he went. I had a lot of fun with my first two husbands before (and, miraculously, after) our divorces. I never want to be in a position in my life where some beloved can tell me, "I never loved you," and have that break my heart again. I take the aikido position: "Yeah, but we did have a lot of fun." It's complimentary to all, makes no one a villain, minimizes heartbreak."

Kasey Chambers sings in her "Rattlin' Bones" album a song that says something similar:

"If I wasn't all you wanted
If I wasn't even close
I only hope that I made you smile
Maybe more than once in a while

If you never felt the blessing
If you only made it through
I only hope that I made you smile
Maybe more then once in a while

If we sleep right through the ending
If we slowly fade away
I'll only hope I went that extra mile
Maybe more than once in a while

I only hope that I made you smile
maybe more than once in a while
maybe more than once in a while

There is great sadness from relationships gone bad, along with the grief attached from knowing there will never be restoration.

I don't know why it happened. There is nothing to be done to fix it. We just weren't skilled enough at loving. Being able to remember both the good and bad times with affection brings a bit of comfort to the black and blue parts.

Nothing is ever all good or all bad, it's both, and we did have fun also. We did. Maybe we didn't make each other feel loved well, but we did have fun! I have pictures capturing these moments. Proof. The pictures are priceless. These ideas give me something good to take away. I'm not left with only a painful THE END. Why? Because I'm slowly recognizing the even so part.

Even so... we did have a lot of fun and made some memories that make me smile. I sincerely hope the fun memories make them smile too, once in a while......

It is another way to 'care for grief to care it away'. (J.Stephens) From Strict Joy via The Swell Season.


Anonymous said...

we are all people that need love,
and here we are
learing what love is,
through the Love of God for us,
and how to give this love to others,
through His Son and Spirit.
the hard beauty of grace.

we may not always receive this
love from others, but, we always
receive it from God.

if we are looking at what we have lost
and what can be lost, life is very heartbreaking.
yet, if we look at what we have been given and what is always given to us, then life takes on a little bit more light...hope, joy, love.

life is not what we would like
it is not how things should be
and we know this in our heart
so we must keep our heart open
to the work of the Spirit

Kathleen said...

Oh I do love your loving words Nancy! Keeping our hearts open is everything, you are so right. Thanks. Hugs. I want my heart to leak and drip sweet, warm berry juice. :)