Tuesday, February 24, 2009

No Need For Paper Towels

It's been over a year now since my deep sadness happened.  A dark thick line that marks a before and after.  One more hurting blog, blah, blah, blogging like a broken old record.  But oh, this broken record thing.......I am unprepared for when the needle hits the gouge and bounces back to repeat, again and again.    How to exchange the scratched LP record to a pure MP3?  Any ideas?   Download it, export it, import it, trash it, delete it, put it on my external harddrive?  iTunes?  iPod?   :)  

I wish the acting 'king' in my life at the time would have been able to search out the truth, been my advocate, disciplined the wrong done and helped me. Brought out the first aid kit.  I wanted it so much.  For some reason unknown he couldn't.  Didn't.  Wouldn't.  He chose sides and it wasn't me.  He endorses, supports, respects and gives away position and authority to someone who acted unrighteously.   This is a strange thing.   Asking why is the wrong question........

A year has gone by I have learned some things for my head, some new ways to think. Cliches that are supposed to be comforting, help me see truth, help me move on...tools. In some ways I have moved on, grown, seen myself, explored new attitudes and behaviors. Learned resilience that comes from the tempering process.  Good comes, God gets glory - this sounds great!     

My heart isn't matching what my head knows-on a consistent basis!  My heart doesn't understand.  It still hurts.   It's been a year!    I'm not over it, because something will pop up and remind me.  

People I am learning to love and respect endorse someone I can't.  How do I move ahead?  Live outside victim thinking?   I sincerely wish I knew.....
Maybe its percentages; today it's 90 % moving ahead, and a half step back, then tomorrow 3 steps forward with no step back and next week I'll have gone around the block!   

Only I have to clean up the vomit today.  Maybe next time I'll aim for the toilet and save myself the trouble....

I love cyberspace!   Blog vomit doesn't use up paper towels....or get anyone else messy but me and I'm running water for a bubble bath!    


Anonymous said...

I know a year seems like an eternity when you have a broken heart, but it is only a blink of an eye on GODS clock. Maybe you put to much faith and trust in this person of authority, I have seen that this year has been such a growing experience for you, yes, the edges have been polished and made smooth, you are a work in progress and if all this had not happened you would not be pliable and able to be molded so easily into what GOD has planned for you. Remember to wait and see what God can do if you let him.

KoverB said...

I'm still waiting mom, thanks for your encouragement!