Thursday, January 22, 2009

Adding a comma

This post is so vulnerable that it's way worse than that dream of showing up in your nightgown or naked at school.  Or the dream of being on the track and trying and trying to catch up enough to even see the others and no matter how hard you try, you never get close, never even see them.  Not a glimse.  Always behind.  Never with.  

Last year the lover of my soul, my creator, my maker, my heavenly father named me.  It sounds wispy and imaginative so I can completely understand and am prepared for the laughter.  Especially when you hear what it is.   'Kathleen, beautiful one who sees and loves'....   It's kind of embarrassing.  And yet, He named me.  I know that I know - deep in my knower.   It has been a puzzle which this week became clearer.  I didn't hear exactly right, but saw it finally.  There's a comma missing, that I overlooked and yet only this week would I have even been able to understand the significance of that comma.    So seeing it properly it is 'Kathleen, beautiful one who sees, and loves'   Big difference!   Huge paradigm change, that comma after 'sees'.   

1)The 'beautiful' part.  Ok.  I have never been the barbie doll, cheerleader, boy candy, great body, desirable girl with a line of boys waiting in line knocking my door down.  Ever.  Vanity was the greatest sin, so being told you were cute when you were little or beautiful when you were an awkward teen was not encouraged.  I did know I was loved and delighted in, as a child and Craig, he thinks I'm gorgeous.  He has to, he's my love!  It is also a gift of unconditional love he gives me. I know what the Lord thinks of me and really understand deep down how he values me.  My size has always been bigger than normal.  Never have had the ability to have style, be chic, known how to wear my hair or clothes.  Being beautiful was something I have excepted that other people are, I'm not.  But that's not everything, so it's ok.  I am artistic, hospitable, affectionate, a good cook, etc.....     At times it feels like I'll never fit in, never be like other people.  Sometimes I feel part of the human race, most the time an introvert, painfully so. But beautiful?  No.   Getting on facebook and putting a profile picture up was huge.  First time I have been able to look at a picture and not wanted to throw up.  Healing needed to happen because being that self conscious is actually crippling and a sick form of self centeredness.   

2)The 'see' part:  What I have known all my life is that I see differently.  Notice.  I think and learn in metaphors, pictures, stories - so the disparities, the absurd, the contradictory, lies, humor, pain, curiosities, fear; they are obvious and I 'See' it in people, the environment and situations. Maybe have lots of intuition and perception? Don't know, as I've never been someone else.  See?  Yes.    Always known and thought of it as a gift.  The humbling part is that sometimes I might see, but not always all of it or correctly or all the time.   Groan!  

3)The 'love' part:  I've always been extremely affectionate across all borders, genders, age, species, size and physical handicaps.  It's comfortable when you don't have a physical bubble...... It has been a learning thing for me to be respectful of people who aren't comfortable with it.  I have wanted to love well more than anything and have failed at it more than anything. This is a constant grief, and yet, I thought it was the Lord's way of encouraging me to not stop trying.  Be resilient and keep learning and keep the desire to love first and foremost anyhow. 

So over the year, I have become used to being 'named' and the wonderful thing is how much I want to live up to it.  He believes in me!   I can't believe in me on my own, but because he believes in me-I can believe in me.......    

Ironically this has been the most difficult and painful year of my life.  Stretch marks, growth pains, bruises, scars, lessons learned, becoming tempered, learning composure, learning what not to do by doing it wrong, etc.  The year has been stuffed with it till I can hardly catch my breath and really need to replenish my adrenal system with red meat or something.  I have wanted to curl up, pull the covers over my head and be done.  Done done.  Discouraged to the point of never wanting to get up again.  And then this week.  My name is a calling, sort of.  The comma changed everything.  

Because I see and notice things, perceive and intuit things, if you've been reading my public journal this week some things have been made so clear to me about myself.  I can be cruel and cutting when I see things.  Ridicule when I notice the stupidities and incongruencies.    Seeing is one thing, but being unkind, exposing and slashing when I do- is just wrong.  My name with the comma added is calling me to more!  To see, which I can't help but doing, then respond by loving.  That's it. 

 I was just getting comfortable and feeling really good with my name.  Sort of special. Cushy.  

Now, I feel overwhelmed at the challenge, the call, the influence, the being chosen part.  But here's the deal;  He believes in me, so can I!  
He thinks I can, so I will.  
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 
Put a comma in it and let's take it to the next level!      


Amber Lowe said...

Thanks for sharing Kathleen! I admire your courage. It's true that God won't call us to something without giving us the power to accomplish it. He wants us to be uncomfortable a little because that's when we recognize our need for Him. Thanks for reminding me of that.

KoverB said...

You're so right-uncomfortable is good, Amber!