Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Loved Bad

God used men, Bill and Britt, speaking at a men's conference last Saturday to smear balm and healing salve on old wounds this morning as I listened to the newly posted audio.  Wounds that seem to heal,  but then get the scab ripped off got a good scrubbing with antiseptic.  Maybe the puss is totally gone?   The infection that the enemy of my soul didn't want healed.    

These guys declared the exact opposite of what others have disparagingly used to disqualify me from being a 'real disciple' or a positive asset as a wife, mother, travel team partner, servant or missionary.  Maybe there is another point of view?  Maybe I'm not disqualified after all?  
I have let the power of those accusations strip me of thinking there is any value in any arena of my life, including writing in a vulnerable way-what if someone just counts the times 'I' is used instead of hearing my heart?  Decided to never ask to go on a mission trip or sign up for a tour again.  Never serve again.   Started believing it's true~I'm just trouble. Not a servant.  Self Centered. Trouble. Selfish. Trouble.  Judged, criticized and condemned, tic tac toe.  It must be true.  Not picked for the team. Benched to be taught a lesson.  And the lesson got through alright!  You're right.......

The lessons I learn best are different and they tend to last.  I know I'm trouble, self centered, selfish-but please,I beg you, please love me anyways.  Pick me anyways, so I can grow and someday bear fruit.  Possibly change.   Don't "count the seeds in the apple, but the apples in the seed..................."

The Lord has been such a gentle kind teacher, showing me my edges then smoothing them by creating a safe environment to be fertilized, dug around, pruned, watered and 'sunshined down' on..... knowing if I never ever 'get better' in those areas, I'm accepted anyhow. Loved anyways. Cloud and Townsend coined the phrase, 'the opposite of bad isn't good, the opposite of bad is loved.   What a way to spend our lives, being loved and learning to love like this!  

Today there is clarity for  how much I have to be thankful for.  Our lifestyle, my husband, my Lord ~ they give me freedom to be, to meditate in huge long droughts, to not take man's opinions to heart, but God's. He is very fond of me, likes it that I want to be with Him!   Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so.    He picks me, every time and not as the last choice, but first choice, just like I am.  Could it be that really knowing we're loved like this makes us real lovers without an agenda, motive or manipulation?  There is something to the Golden Rule methinks...... empathy kicks in big time.  I don't want other people to feel bad like this, along with the opposite;  I have experienced this amazing life changing love and want others to feel like this!   Both.  The thing that defines those of us with a narcistic bent is a complete lack of empathy.   GIVE ME EMPATHY-CURE ME!  


Anonymous said...

I think all of us a bit of narcissism to some degree. Ever wonder what it was that Paul wanted God to heal him of but God wouldn't? Knowing that God loves me the way I am is the most important thing for me know because it's that knowledge that removes the barriers between him and me and I can love to come to him.

When I first left, I remember the discovery of how God felt about me... it was awesome, the most amazing spiritual awakening I'd every had! I always felt so bad about myself and like he viewed me as a worm that he dained to let into is presence every now and again.

What a blessing to know he loves us just as we are. Not only that... he's not surprised by any of our thoughts, our actions or our words. :) Just amazing!

Thanks for ruminating!

KoverB said...

YES! Well said!